Words get in the way

Whenever I see a Facebook post remarking on a death of a friend or loved one it will ultimately be followed by comments from people expressing “I am sorry for your loss.”  I am guilty of this as well, because sometimes I am clueless as what I should say, or worse, what I should not say.   “I am sorry for your loss” just sounds so hollow to me; meaningless words spoken as rote and as unfeeling as “bless you” to a sneeze or “thank you” for passing a bowl of beans.  “If there’s anything I can do...” is another empty phrase spoken by well-meaning people who lack the gumption to come up with their own ideas of what actually needs to be done.  And saying you’ll pray for them only counts if you actually do pray for them. 

So, what are the proper words to say when facing someone who has lost their very meaning for life?  I remember when my sister died a young friend came to me at the funeral home and hugged me and said something so sweet and thoughtful that I wanted to remember her words forever.  Unfortunately in that moment there were so many people were saying so many different things I forgot her words almost immediately.  I guess it didn’t matter exactly what she said but how she said it.  In the end it was her sincere compassion that touched me deeper than words and has stayed with me for almost 20 years now.

There is nothing that can be said that will remove the pain from the one who has suffered the loss.  Making profound or sentimental statements may make the speaker feel relieved of their sympathetic duty, but words are easily forgotten.  A hug, a look, or even a squeeze of the hand can be more significant than any combination of words.

I know someone who lost a son years ago and recently lost another son unexpectedly.  I have no idea how to express how my heart hurts for her.  If I could remember my young friend’s words from my sister’s funeral I would repeat them verbatim.  If she was near I would give her a hug.  If I had the right words I would tell her to stay strong, don’t worry about making it through the day, but just try to make it through each hour.  I would like to tell her to stay away from the black pit, find a nearby branch and hold on tight because she is important and worthy.  I would even go so far as to say that even though we do not know each other very well I think of her as a friend and I like her very much.  I would tell her all of these things if only I knew the right words.  

“I am sorry for your loss,” is too hollow for someone you care about.  It is just not the right thing to say.  I’m learning.