September 24, 2011
Fall is my favorite time of the year, and it is officially here according to yesterday’s equinox. Yet, I’m not feeling it. Instead I’ve been feeling melancholy, maybe even a little bitter. My husband says I have an unpleasant “tone”. This tone apparently strikes fear and trepidation in him and my children. Do I really? That actually makes me feel worse knowing I am making others unhappy. I certainly do not get out of bed every morning and wonder what I can do that day to make others unhappy. But the truth is, in a season that usually lifts my spirits and gives me an emotional boost, I am just dragging. I don’t understand it. I guess the personal stresses of late, a child aging into adulthood, and recent losses have zapped me of my seasonal joys.
Regardless, I am trying to find the feeling. I dug out some fall décor and cleaned the house a bit in preparation of my son’s birthday lunch tomorrow. The golden glow coming from my orange mosaic glass lamps always make me happy. It will also be a lift to have family in and around. We haven’t all been in the same room together since Mama’s funeral, so having even a small gathering will be nice. I do know there will be an emptiness felt at the round table in my kitchen, the place she would park her wheelchair whenever she was here. But the emptiness will be filled with her memories, I am sure. My family has a way of turning sadness into laughter; strange, maybe but you deal with things however you can.
On the bright side, this is just September. My favorite of favorite times of the year is October, so there is still time to come out of this funk and get into the season. There are things happening in October; Live at Five returns, a trip to New Orleans with our international students (ghost tour, yay), USM Homecoming parade with our international students (yay for students, boo for me), a conference in Mobile, and of course, a wedding anniversary. Maybe my “tone” will be softer then and my husband will remember why he married me on that day.
Surely when the weather changes things will turn around. I’ll get to change out my closet and start wearing comforting clothing (fleece, flannel, thermal). And, I’ll enjoy being outdoors again. So let the countdown begin, only seven days to go. Come on October!
as you know, i share your love of fall and october. with the coming of the season i always feel down and out and displaced. always. maybe you always do too and you don't remember and it is heightened this year because of, well you know. daddy used to call the longing asscoiated with fall the call of the wild. the want or need to be outside to enjoy the cooler temps and the colors. to look out at the horizon and reflect. no worries my bib, your tone will ease as it does every year. i am knowing it.
ReplyDelete