On teeth, dresses, and church

Today was a day full of mixed emotions for me.  It started with a final trip to the dentist for my permanent crown which completes the work to repair the accidental damage my mouth suffered on Mother’s Day.  Lying on my head (he puts the chair waaay back) in the dentist’s chair I listened to him croon to me how good it was turning out, and how pleased I was going to be with the final product.  The thought that kept going through my mind was that I would look like my Daddy again, and the familiar lump in my throat began to form and water dripped from my eyes.  I wiped it quickly away so my dentist would not think he was hurting me.  He gets very upset if he thinks he’s causing pain.  I really like my dentist.

Later this afternoon I went online and browsed for possible dresses to wear to my nieces’ weddings in March and May.  The thought of finding two dresses for two weddings two months apart is a little more than I can handle.  My mental capacity for the thought of wearing not just a dress, but a dressy dress, was too much for me, and I had to lie in bed and shop on my tablet for lack of energy.  The last time I wore a dress was to my daddy’s funeral.  I generally do not wear dresses or skirts.  They make me look like a bell; a really big bell, like the Liberty one, not a belle like a Southern one.  I want to feel good at the weddings, not like I could clang at any moment.  I’m thinking of going Stevie Nicks style, with a flowing dress with lots of scarves.  I could be the weird aunt no one talks about, the one who thinks she’s Stevie Nicks.  It’s better than being a bell.

I drug myself out of my funk in time to go to the inaugural mass of the new St. Fabian Catholic Church.  I have been very excited about the thought of having a church close to my home.  In all honesty I have not been a regular attendee at mass for awhile now.  It’s not because I have fallen away from God, or do not believe in going to church.  One reason is I use the excuse of the distance to church and it became a habit.  Another reason is I’ve just never felt like I belonged anywhere.  I can walk into mass at any given time at either of the Catholic churches in town and walk out without having spoken to a single person or had a single person speak to me.  I want a place where I feel I belong and I hope I can make St. Fabian’s that place.  I’m going to try, anyway.

Apparently I wasn’t the only one excited about a new church.  In a room set up to hold a little over two hundred people there ended up being twice that many plus a few extra.  There was energy in the room and I liked the way it felt.  It was a feeling of the Holy Spirit at work, gathering together a body of people to start something new to give Jesus a greater presence in the community.  When I have these feelings I tend to get emotional and the lump forms and the eyes fill.  This happened a few times tonight, and like in the dentist’s chair I managed to keep it under control.  But this time I had an audience.  

There was a man standing in front of me holding his very young daughter.  As children are apt to do she stared at the person behind her - me.  I wonder what she was thinking.  Did she think I was sad?  Did it frighten her to see a stranger about to cry?  Once she even clapped her hands at me as if to say, “Snap out of it, lady”.  Nah, I think on some level she knew what I was feeling.  I think children are naturally intuitive.  I think they can see through a person to their soul.  The Cousins and I have had many discussions about this, so I know it’s true.

Tomorrow it’s back to work answering phone calls, answering email, answering questions.  Tomorrow I’ll have all of the answers.  Tonight, however, I’ll go to bed with questions.  Does my new tooth look natural enough that no one will know the difference?  Is my faith leading me to a new place where I can feel I belong?  Am I finally hearing God’s voice answering my prayer to make me useful?  What would Stevie Nicks wear to a garden wedding?  My mind is never quiet.