Six years

I remember a few years ago, six to be exact, when The Boy left us.  By proper definition he was a man by then, all 24 years of him.  But if you knew him as long as I did he was still just a little boy with a spirited grin that could melt your heart.  Nephews can be like that. Well, when The Boy left us on that evening six years ago I was set on a path of many wet, flowing tears.  You might say tears are always wet, but just like Forrest Gump’s varied description of rain; there are just as many kinds of tears.  There are tears that sting the eyes but don’t fall, tears that well-up in the corners of the eyes and drain down the side of your face and into your ears, tears that drip, tears that stream, and wet tears that fall involuntarily and drench your entire face. 

These wet tears are the ones I had for weeks after The Boy left.  Sometimes without even knowing I was sad my face would be drenched to the point that only a washcloth could clean up the mess.  In fact, that night six year ago, I slept with a washcloth in my hand.  I clenched it, and kept it close like it was a lifeboat keeping me afloat in a sea of wet tears.

He was a good boy, truly.  He was adventurous, funny, kind and tender-hearted just for starters.  A person, especially an aunt, couldn’t help but love a boy like that. It’s no wonder I struggled so when he left.  To have a light in your life extinguished so suddenly is a shock to the system, and a feeling of loss and void sucked me up like a vacuum.  Now here’s the part where I’m going to sound selfish.  As much as I missed that boy and felt the void he left in the world, I shed all those wet tears because I missed having that love shine on me from those twinkling eyes of his.  When you love someone and you lose them you still continue to love.  Love for a person doesn’t fade just because they die.  Your heart can still feel warmth when you think about them and you can keep them alive when you speak of them freely and without regret.  But when you are loved back, and you know you are loved back, and then that goes away cold turkey, well, wet tears are the least of your problems.  And I know down deep in my broken heart that The Boy loved me back.  I’m just knowing it. 

When a love you can feel like sunshine on your shoulders is suddenly gone you can feel the hurt deep down in your soul.  And on the surface, too. 

In these six years my pain has eased for the most part because I have found a place of well-being in keeping him alive in my memories of him.  Today though, just like six years ago exactly, I found myself mopping my face throughout the day.  I didn’t even know I was sad yet those wet tears fell involuntarily and caused a general mess and revealed my red-rimmed eyes and nose where the make-up had washed off in the deluge.

Part of me will always miss The Boy, but most of me will miss his love more than anything.  Aunts have a right to be selfish when it comes to these things.